I got pregnant last October after trying for a few months and Sean and I were ecstatic! We called everyone we knew in the minutes following the positive pregnancy test. We wanted Blayne to tell everyone so we told him that I had a baby in my belly and then tried to get him to repeat that on the phone (after about 10 seconds of practice) and that didn't really work so well. But we were thrilled. Just after Blayne's second birthday, in early November, I had my first OB appointment with Dr. Tate. I had read wonderful things about him online and he was the local expert in delivering VBACs (that's for people, like me, who want to deliver naturally after having a C-section). His office was about 30 min from where I worked and about 45 min - 1hr from where we lived but the drive was totally worth it!! Anyhoo, I had my first appt at about 7 weeks along. After getting a history and talking to me for a loooong time (one of the things that everyone loves about him) he went in to do the physical exam. Everything was looking good and then he did an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. So he's looking around, he tells me that I'm definitely pregnant and that he can see the heartbeat and that things are looking good and then his assistant said, "Hey isn't that another one??" "Another what?" is what I thought. If he had said I had another stomach or an extra kidney or something it wouldn't have surprised me more than when he told me that there were two babies in there and that I was having TWINS!! I about fell off the table. I attempted to sit up and turn my body so that I could see the u/s screen all at the same time - neither of which is very conducive to an internal ultrasound being performed but after I settled back down and let him look again, I saw them. Both of them! I kept asking if he was sure, are there really TWO in there, are you positive till he finally said "LOOK!" two heartbeats in there, two sacs, two little babies. And this is what I saw...
Two babies. Twins. I couldn't believe it. At one point I could see both of their little hearts beating on the screen at the same time. It was awesome. And terrifying. Never in a million years did I think that there was any chance whatsoever that I would have twins. Their due date was June 27th. [Oh and just for clarification, those two round things are the yolk sacs and then little blobs next to them are the babies. The yolk sacs are only there in early pregnancy and then they go away by week 12.]
So there I was, at the drs office all by myself (I didn't want to try and coordinate a babysitter for Blayne with an hour long drive for a routine appt where they tell me, "yep your pregnant" and that's it... little did I know what awesome news I was gonna get!). All the people in the office were great, they were hugging me and telling me how excited they were and they wanted to know how I was going to tell Sean. My plan was to take a picture of the u/s pic with my phone and then send it to him and then to ask him if he could see BOTH of the babies. So I took the pic, sent it to him and then waited about 3 seconds before I called him but of course he hadn't gotten the message yet and after a minute or so of me waiting (and saying the whole time, "is it there yet? do you have the picture yet? no? ok... how 'bout now??") I finally just blurted it out. I thought he would be petrified (I was still a little) but he was SO excited right from the start!! Then I called my Mom and had a little more patience to wait for the picture to get to her so that I got to ask her if she could see both of the babies and then she stared yelling (at work) "You're having TWINS?!?!?!?!" so that pretty much the whole office knew. =) It was really funny but most people's reactions were about the same. At first they didn't believe me and kept telling me I was joking and then when it finally became obvious that I wasn't joking they were excited. Jordan was one of the best - when I called him he couldn't hear me so I said something about the fact that both of the babies were doing good and he was just like, "oh ok cool..." so I finally had to yell through the phone that I was having twins before he got it. My dad was pretty funny too, I didn't really think he was all that excited (if you know my dad this is not surprising as very few things excite him and little babies isn't one of those things) but he told most of the people in the town of Sebring by that weekend. And I think I found out on Thursday. =) It was a pretty normal pregnancy (for me anyways) which means that I was sick as a dog and nauseous all day long. I was hungry all the time but there were only a few things that I could eat. The nausea was the worst, worse than with Blayne, it was 24 hrs a day but I knew it was just because there were two of them in there with twice the hormones. I was much more concerned about miscarriage with this pregnancy than with Blayne and especially because it was a twin pregnancy but after about a week of stressing out I finally decided that I just wasn't going to think about it and I was going to enjoy every second that I had with them so that if by some awful chance I did lose them I wouldn't have spent all that time being scared and worried. I just wanted to enjoy every (nauseous) minute. It's funny how I remember that now and how in some small way God might have been preparing me for what was to come. It was definitely a different sort of pregnancy than my first. I was MUCH more tired and fell asleep most nights by 8 or 9 pm. Did I mention I was sick?!? =) But we were just getting used to the idea that we were having twins and realizing how much things were going to change once they arrived. We realized we would need a bigger car, a bigger house and much more baby paraphernalia than we had before. I went in for the 12 week checkup in Mid-December and Sean was with me and we got to see our babies bouncing around on the screen. Dr. Tate looked for a long time (he was checking for a membrane separating the babies) and he took some cute pics. And then he gave us the news that made Sean's day! He said that he never calls it that early but that he was pretty sure we were having boys! We were both very exited and I just kept picturing two little boys, sorta redheaded like Blayne but maybe with Sean's green eyes...
We went home for Christmas a few days after that and had a good time with my family down in Florida (we were still Georgians at this point!). Then the day before we went back up to Atlanta, something awful happened. My beloved dog Pete' who I'd had for 15+ years fell into a pool and drowned. I was devastated. It was so hard going back to Atlanta and back to our apartment when he wasn't there. I kept finding things of his and looking for him in all the places he used to be and I just missed him all the time. We were just sorta getting back into the swing of things after a few weeks and I had another appt with my doctor. Again, we decided that it was just too much trouble to work it out for Sean to be there, I was 16 weeks and we thought we were past the point where we would need to be worried. I had started telling people that I was pregnant with twins and was feeling like they were here to stay and beginning to get even more excited. But then on January 15th, at my appointment, Dr. Tate said probably the worst thing I've ever heard. He looked on the ultrasound for a long time before taking my hand and telling me, "I'm so, so sorry. I don't have good news. I can't find a heartbeat for either of your babies." The rest of the time there passed in a blur... I went to his office to call Sean and cried on the phone to him and he prayed with me. I was still holding onto a small sliver of hope, Dr. Tate said he was gonna take one more look before I left just to check again. Just in case. So we prayed that they would be alright and that he would find two heartbeats. But it was not to be. He couldn't find anything on the ultrasound. I don't even remember crying that hard (that would come later) but I think it was just because I was in shock a little. I believed was he was saying but not really. I kept thinking that somehow he was wrong and that they were ok. And I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that if something had gone wrong, apparently weeks ago, that I was still carrying them and I still felt pregnant and I had even started to feel what I thought were the babies moving around. We talked about my options and then he said to just take a few days and process things before we decided. As soon as I got outside, I started to lose it. I called Sean back and confirmed the awful news. Then I called my mom and the moment she answered the phone I started crying so hard I couldn't talk. I think it was starting to hit me then... Anyways, mom ended up driving to Atlanta the next day to be with me and I'm so glad she was there. The following week I miscarried at home. Amy had found some information for me about a place in Marietta, GA that would cremate miscarried babies for free and so Sean and I took them there and had them cremated. The people at the funeral home were amazingly kind, they explained everything and told us that they would put both of the babies in one urn so that they would always be together. They had a place at a local cemetery where they would bury them and there would be benches and stones and we could go sit whenever we wanted but we decid
ed not to do that in case we ended up moving - I didn't want to have to leave them behind. So we kept the urn and our babies stayed with us. It took about a week before we got them back and it was a lot harder than I thought to pick up their ashes. It hit me that day that this was it. This was their big homecoming. This was all I was ever going to have of them and I would never get to hold anything else other than this urn. For awhile, I carried them everywhere with me! I put the urn and box in my purse and took them to work and all over town with me. I know it was probably a little weird (okay maybe a lot weird) but that little tiny urn was all I had of them and I missed having them with me all the time and even though it wasn't even remotely the same it did make me feel a little better just to know they were right there and I could hold them and talk to them whenever I wanted. And then about a week after the miscarriage we got the news that Sean got a job in Florida and we were going to be moving. He started his new job on Feb 9th so that didn't give us much time to pack up and load up a UHaul. He left Atlanta for good about two weeks after the miscarriage and Blayne and I moved in with Michael and Amy for two weeks while I finished working. It was a rough couple of weeks. I was obviously still sad and grieving over the miscarriage. Physically I was still healing too, I was tired all the time and still dizzy a lot and just felt like crap. At the time I thought it was good that we were so busy, and it was, it helped to focus on something else, but looking back I wish that Sean and I had not had to be separated. It was hard to go through that without him. And I had to sorta put everything aside and finish my job and take care of Blayne when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Michael and Amy and their kids were a good distraction though and they really helped with Blayne and kept him entertainted and happy while we were there. And then a few weeks later I moved down to Florida...
ed not to do that in case we ended up moving - I didn't want to have to leave them behind. So we kept the urn and our babies stayed with us. It took about a week before we got them back and it was a lot harder than I thought to pick up their ashes. It hit me that day that this was it. This was their big homecoming. This was all I was ever going to have of them and I would never get to hold anything else other than this urn. For awhile, I carried them everywhere with me! I put the urn and box in my purse and took them to work and all over town with me. I know it was probably a little weird (okay maybe a lot weird) but that little tiny urn was all I had of them and I missed having them with me all the time and even though it wasn't even remotely the same it did make me feel a little better just to know they were right there and I could hold them and talk to them whenever I wanted. And then about a week after the miscarriage we got the news that Sean got a job in Florida and we were going to be moving. He started his new job on Feb 9th so that didn't give us much time to pack up and load up a UHaul. He left Atlanta for good about two weeks after the miscarriage and Blayne and I moved in with Michael and Amy for two weeks while I finished working. It was a rough couple of weeks. I was obviously still sad and grieving over the miscarriage. Physically I was still healing too, I was tired all the time and still dizzy a lot and just felt like crap. At the time I thought it was good that we were so busy, and it was, it helped to focus on something else, but looking back I wish that Sean and I had not had to be separated. It was hard to go through that without him. And I had to sorta put everything aside and finish my job and take care of Blayne when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Michael and Amy and their kids were a good distraction though and they really helped with Blayne and kept him entertainted and happy while we were there. And then a few weeks later I moved down to Florida...It's been 5 months now and the twins due date is this Saturday. The past 5 months have been awful in a lot of ways but the past couple of weeks have been the worst by far. All along I've been imagining myself pregnant at different stages and I think about how big I would've gotten and how everywhere I went people would have commented on it and I could've told them about the twins. I think about how the moving and kicking would have kept me up at night and how I would've needed assistance just to waddle to the bathroom 18 times in a 2 hour period. I thought about how we would have tried to prepare Blayne for becoming a big brother to two little boys and where we would've put all of the stuff. But for the past few weeks all I can think about is the fact that they would probably be here by now. I would be able to see their little faces and kiss them and hold them and tell them I love them. I keep thinking of what life would be like for us if they were here, about the long mornings when I would just lay in bed with my four boys and watch movies. About how I would stare at the two of them for hours trying to find something that was different. I picture Blayne with them, him holding them and trying to play with them or quite possibly hating them for taking a large chunk of my attention away from him. I daydream about laying in bed, nursing two beautiful little babies until they fall asleep and then watching them sleep and do that cute little sucking thing that babies do. I picture them in their one little crib snuggled up together like they were inside of me. I try to imagine what they would feel like and smell like and look like and I can't. And I hate that I can't. I've been so mad since this happened. Sometimes at God and sometimes at just life in general. I'm mad that they were taken from me. I'm mad that I had no choice in the matter. I'm mad that He let me get so far and get so excited only to take them away from me. I'm mad that I lost not one, but two babies. Sometimes I'm mad at people for not saying or doing the things that I want them to.
But mostly I'm sad for the million and one things that I will miss out on. I will never see them, never kiss them, never hold them, never tell them I love them. I will never see Sean hold his little twin boys that he was so excited about. They will never fall asleep while laying on my chest. I will never get to nurse them or carry them around in a sling. I will never see Blayne get to be a big brother to them. I won't get to watch them get older. I won't get to see three adorable little boys, brothers, playing together on the beach a few years from now. I won't get to see how much fun Blayne would have with them as they all got older. I'll never watch while Sean plays with them and teaches them to play catch or baseball or video games or the guitar. I'll never get to see my mom or dad holding two identical little boys and asking me which one is which. I'll never get to know them so well that only I can tell them apart but for other people they look exactly the same. Our family picture still only has three people in it instead of the five that should be there. And even if we have more kids, I feel like there will always be a hole (or two holes actually) in every event, in every picture, in all the things that we do that they should be here for.
I found the lyrics to this song not long after I moved and I loved it. It's called I Will Carry You by a Christian group named Selah. And it pretty much sums up how I feel most days, especially lately. I have heard that it will just take time before I even begin to feel better and not be so sad
and not still want to cry all the time. I can't believe that it's been 5 months already... I still think about my babies every day and I miss them all the time. I still sleep with their urn right next to me and sometimes, when I am missing them especially hard, I will hold them all night long. I ask Jesus to tell them I love them forever and to take care of them for me until I can. I tell them I miss them a lot. Sometimes I imagine that the reason Pete' had to die right before we lost them was so that they would have someone waiting for them in heaven, someone who would look out for them and protect them from doorbells and cats and squirrels. And so that they would have someone who would stay with them day and night like I would have. I miss them all like crazy, all the time. Sometimes I have a hard time with the praising God part (in the song) but I'm working on it. I really can't be happy that they were taken from me yet but maybe one day I'll be able to be thankful for everything that happened. In the meantime, I just wanted to be able to tell you all about my boys and how proud I am to be their mommy and how much I love and miss them.~I Will Carry You~
by Selah
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
