Monday, June 16, 2014
Nature Scavenger Hunt
So I was stuck at home today because of a dead battery in the Jeep and me and the boys found a fun way to occupy our time. We went on a nature scavenger hunt! I found a few fun printables on Pinterest for Blayne and then I made up a cute little printable for Sawyer - one that I could stick on the top of an egg crate so he could store his treasures inside - and we went hiking. It was so much fun! And it kept them entertained for at least a half hour. Which for my boys is kind of a big deal. They even worked together which is also a bit of a rarity around here. Blayne was super cute helping Sawyer find his stuff. They even made a new friend, much to the dismay of Tolkie.
Not Good Enough
That's what I've secretly been thinking lately. That what I have isn't good enough. It sounds horrible when I write it down, or even let myself really think it but I realized yesterday that that is how I feel. Or at least that is how I am acting. Let me explain...
It's been a rough couple of months for us. In some ways, not in everything of course. Back in April I found out I was pregnant again! We were so excited. I was due on Christmas Day. I was sick as a dog which is normal for me but I was still hesitant to spread the good news until I had my first appt with a midwife which was going to be around 15 weeks. We lost our 3rd baby boy about a week before that appointment. I was 14 weeks and 6 days pregnant when I miscarried at home on July 2nd. And my world was pretty rocked. I had been through all this before you see and so I thought for sure I wouldn't have to do it again. I mean I said I knew it might happen but I didn't really think it would. Didn't think God would let it if I'm honest. But He did. We named our baby Jude Michael. And then we grieved. We told family and a few close friends. I knew from before that the hardest days were still to come, all those days that I should be pregnant and the holidays and the due date... all those were still coming and I knew that the healing and grieving would take awhile. The first time around, I figured if I healed physcially that then things would get better. But this time I knew better. I read books about grief. A Grief Observed by CS Lewis was a huge source of comfort. I so identified with him when he said, "Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" And he of course realized that God's not a bad guy in the end and I knew that I knew that too but some days I felt it. But mostly, I was sad. I didn't get too angry, I didn't get too 'why me?' I just grieved. The world just looks different when you've lost a baby. Everything is greyer somehow. It's not right. It's not just that I am not pregnant anymore, although that is a huge part because pregnant people and babies are everywhere. But it's that my future is different and wrong. It doesn't look like I want it to and I don't like it. I still don't understand it either. I have more babies in heaven than I do here and it's just not fair. Fast forward 3 months... we got pregnant again! I hadn't even wrapped my head around the idea of it or decided if I wanted it to happen or what. But it did. I had about 2 days to be excited before I realized that something was wrong. And before I would have been 6 weeks pregnant, we had lost another one. And this time, I was mad. I did ask 'why me??' I stopped talking to God. I stopped praying or reading my Bible. Over the summer my Bible was another huge source of comfort for me and this time I didn't even want to open it up.
And that's when it hit me. I am saying that what God has given me isn't good enough. Of course it's ok for me to be sad. That's not the issue. The issue is that deep in my heart I am saying my two boys here aren't good enough. My wonderful husband isn't quite enough. My family, my house... not enough. I want more. That two healthy, successful pregnancies aren't enough either, I want another one. I don't want to end on such a bad experience. That my babies would be better off here than where they are. That I know best and what I want matters more and that what I have isn't good enough. It really does sound terrible when I write it out... And then I started to think about gratefulness. About how to have it. About how to be able to look around and love every single bit of what I have and to realize that God has given me a billion reasons to be grateful. I don't want to miss a season of my boys lives because I am too busy being ungrateful. I wouldn't dream of minimizing the lives of the babies I've lost either by saying they didn't matter and I shouldn't grieve for them. But being sad and feeling entitled are two different things. And I am feeling a bit entitled to things that I was never promised.
So I wondered, how do I stop that? How do I start feeling grateful again? And then it hit me. Being grateful can be a choice. It is not just a feeling. I have said a million times that I think love is a choice and not just a feeling. Of course you feel it. Sometimes. But not always. And as I have watched marriages implode I have come to realize that love is a choice too. That you can choose to love ALL THE TIME even when you don't feel like it. And that after a while, you will feel it again. So couldn't the same be true of gratefulness? Can I choose to be grateful during this season even though I don't always feel like it? Yes. Yes I can. I can choose to focus on the precious boys that I have here. I can choose to focus on my husband, my family, my home. I can choose to spend my days thanking God instead of not speaking to Him. I can be grateful in the midst of sadness. I read this blog post today and realized this is exactly what I've been coming to realize lately. Instead of 'why me' I am starting to think 'why not me?' I wasn't promised anything different than anyone else. And if in any way what I am going through can someday help someone else - it's a good thing. And if in any way it helps me to grow - it's a good thing. And that if this can help me to be more grateful - it's definitely a good thing. Besides, who am I to question God? Who am I to say that my sweet babies are better off here than where they are? Because where they are is indescribably better than where I am. And I am much better off focusing on being grateful than I am nursing a grudge. And I am MUCH better off when I am 'speaking' again to my Abba Father who has blessed me with so much and who I have no doubt is loving on my sweet babies for me until I get there.
And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. ~Colossians 3:15
It's been a rough couple of months for us. In some ways, not in everything of course. Back in April I found out I was pregnant again! We were so excited. I was due on Christmas Day. I was sick as a dog which is normal for me but I was still hesitant to spread the good news until I had my first appt with a midwife which was going to be around 15 weeks. We lost our 3rd baby boy about a week before that appointment. I was 14 weeks and 6 days pregnant when I miscarried at home on July 2nd. And my world was pretty rocked. I had been through all this before you see and so I thought for sure I wouldn't have to do it again. I mean I said I knew it might happen but I didn't really think it would. Didn't think God would let it if I'm honest. But He did. We named our baby Jude Michael. And then we grieved. We told family and a few close friends. I knew from before that the hardest days were still to come, all those days that I should be pregnant and the holidays and the due date... all those were still coming and I knew that the healing and grieving would take awhile. The first time around, I figured if I healed physcially that then things would get better. But this time I knew better. I read books about grief. A Grief Observed by CS Lewis was a huge source of comfort. I so identified with him when he said, "Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" And he of course realized that God's not a bad guy in the end and I knew that I knew that too but some days I felt it. But mostly, I was sad. I didn't get too angry, I didn't get too 'why me?' I just grieved. The world just looks different when you've lost a baby. Everything is greyer somehow. It's not right. It's not just that I am not pregnant anymore, although that is a huge part because pregnant people and babies are everywhere. But it's that my future is different and wrong. It doesn't look like I want it to and I don't like it. I still don't understand it either. I have more babies in heaven than I do here and it's just not fair. Fast forward 3 months... we got pregnant again! I hadn't even wrapped my head around the idea of it or decided if I wanted it to happen or what. But it did. I had about 2 days to be excited before I realized that something was wrong. And before I would have been 6 weeks pregnant, we had lost another one. And this time, I was mad. I did ask 'why me??' I stopped talking to God. I stopped praying or reading my Bible. Over the summer my Bible was another huge source of comfort for me and this time I didn't even want to open it up.
And that's when it hit me. I am saying that what God has given me isn't good enough. Of course it's ok for me to be sad. That's not the issue. The issue is that deep in my heart I am saying my two boys here aren't good enough. My wonderful husband isn't quite enough. My family, my house... not enough. I want more. That two healthy, successful pregnancies aren't enough either, I want another one. I don't want to end on such a bad experience. That my babies would be better off here than where they are. That I know best and what I want matters more and that what I have isn't good enough. It really does sound terrible when I write it out... And then I started to think about gratefulness. About how to have it. About how to be able to look around and love every single bit of what I have and to realize that God has given me a billion reasons to be grateful. I don't want to miss a season of my boys lives because I am too busy being ungrateful. I wouldn't dream of minimizing the lives of the babies I've lost either by saying they didn't matter and I shouldn't grieve for them. But being sad and feeling entitled are two different things. And I am feeling a bit entitled to things that I was never promised.
So I wondered, how do I stop that? How do I start feeling grateful again? And then it hit me. Being grateful can be a choice. It is not just a feeling. I have said a million times that I think love is a choice and not just a feeling. Of course you feel it. Sometimes. But not always. And as I have watched marriages implode I have come to realize that love is a choice too. That you can choose to love ALL THE TIME even when you don't feel like it. And that after a while, you will feel it again. So couldn't the same be true of gratefulness? Can I choose to be grateful during this season even though I don't always feel like it? Yes. Yes I can. I can choose to focus on the precious boys that I have here. I can choose to focus on my husband, my family, my home. I can choose to spend my days thanking God instead of not speaking to Him. I can be grateful in the midst of sadness. I read this blog post today and realized this is exactly what I've been coming to realize lately. Instead of 'why me' I am starting to think 'why not me?' I wasn't promised anything different than anyone else. And if in any way what I am going through can someday help someone else - it's a good thing. And if in any way it helps me to grow - it's a good thing. And that if this can help me to be more grateful - it's definitely a good thing. Besides, who am I to question God? Who am I to say that my sweet babies are better off here than where they are? Because where they are is indescribably better than where I am. And I am much better off focusing on being grateful than I am nursing a grudge. And I am MUCH better off when I am 'speaking' again to my Abba Father who has blessed me with so much and who I have no doubt is loving on my sweet babies for me until I get there.
And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. ~Colossians 3:15
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